Guest Blogger- Kim

I’ll start by introducing myself, since I have been invited to be a guest blogger at EnjoyingtheRide.com. I am Kim, wife of Mitch, mother of Amy & Zach, a middle school counselor, and caregiver for my husband of 25 years (in no particular order). These various roles definitely conflict with one another from time to time.

For example, when we moved to southern Maine 11 years ago, I started in my position as a counselor at Cape Elizabeth Middle School. My daughter was a student at the same middle school at that time. Imagine for a moment what it may have been like for me as I simultaneously fulfilled the role of the mother and school counselor of an emotional teenage daughter. Can you envision any situations over a three year span where it may have been difficult to be both people? I probably averaged one situation a day, but thankfully the memories fade over time.

Two other roles I have that compete with each other, even more than being my daughter’s middle school counselor, are being both the primary caregiver and spouse for Mitch. We have been a couple for more than 31 years, and the role of spouse has been one of the most enjoyable and fulfilling experiences of my life. Being the caregiver for my husband, on the other hand, has been one of the most challenging. To be the one who has the sole responsibility of taking care of the maintenance of our home inside and out along with working a full-time job is difficult enough. Beyond this, I sometimes feel like I am on call 24 hours a day, whether it be to help dress my husband, prepare his meals, or to come when he calls my name. I worry about him falling or needing me while I am away. And I also feel guilty whenever I get angry, frustrated, or afraid with what I have to endure in my life, in our lives.

With this being said, many people have asked how I stay so positive, and continue to live life to its fullest. My list of “secrets” is short and much of it mirrors Mitch’s view of the world:

• Live in the moment as much as possible, trying not to dwell on the past or worry about the future
• Don’t get drawn into negativity that sometimes finds its way into your day
• Surround yourself with good people - those who are honest, caring, hard-working & true friends
• Find the positive in all situations, even if seems tiny & irrelevant
• Don’t just complain about things; look for solutions whenever possible
• Treat others the way you want to be treated

To help me fulfill my care-giving responsibilities, more importantly than any of my “secrets” listed above, I recognize how much joy I get from my other jobs: a middle school counselor, the mother of Amy & Zach, and most rewarding - the wife of Mitch.

What to do? What to do?

I launched this blog over two years ago to help pass the time while engaged in a productive activity – advocating for the disabled community. So, have I done that? To a large extent, I think I have.

By disclosing my day-to-day challenges, and revealing my innermost fears and concerns, I've shed light on the kind of issues that many healthy folks are oblivious to. Perhaps I’ve helped some people to better connect with their disabled friends, neighbors, and loved ones. By sharing my general outlook on life and some of my coping mechanisms, I hope I've helped disabled folks in some small way as well.

OK, but enough tooting of my own horn. That is not the purpose of today's post.

I'm not a dedicated researcher. I no longer have the energy or the inclination to be the authority on emerging topics in the medical field. I suggest you go elsewhere for that information. I don't write elegant prose. If that's what floats your boat, I can recommend several other blogs authored by more skilled writers, and of course there are always the popular books and journals.

What I think I do a passable job of writing about are the following:

1. My personal story, which is fairly unique, and when conveyed with honesty can even be compelling at times.

2. My personal beliefs and opinions on selected subjects, which, when expressed clearly, might cause you to stop and think a little bit. I know I always enjoy reading a piece that prompts me to find my philosophical bearings.

I walk a fine line in my writing, describing my circumstances frankly so as to lend authenticity to my message. I do this, however, at considerable risk.  The last thing I want is for my portrayal to be misperceived as self pity.  It’s a fine line.

I try to post at least once a week. Today, it is been a week and a day, and I don't have anything written. So this may be as good a time as any to ask for suggestions from you, the readers.

What would you like to read more about here? Where would you like me to go with the blog? What types of posts have you enjoyed, and what types of posts could you do without? Feel free to leave your responses in the comments section or send me an e-mail at email@enjoyingtheride.com.

Thanks for taking a few minutes to help me overcome my blogger’s block. I need ideas!

Moving (part 2 of 2)

The problem wasn't finding a suitable neighborhood. The problem was finding a wheelchair accessible house or condo therein. Since all of our target neighborhoods were of the urban variety, the houses tended to be old, undersized, and, well, vertically oriented.

We listed our house in May, brimming with enthusiasm and a sense of adventure. By mid-July we were thoroughly disillusioned. We had grown weary of keeping the place "show ready." We were annoyed with having to repeatedly vacate our house on sometimes short notice, only to learn that the prospective buyers were not interested for any of a number of legitimate or sometimes utterly baffling reasons. We were sick and tired of searching online for a house that seemingly did not exist (with one exception). We halfheartedly dragged ourselves through houses that we considered long-shots at best. We decided to endure this process only until the end of July, and then we would resign ourselves to staying in our existing house, which was not a bad situation at all; it just could have been better.

In June, not long after we listed, Kim stumbled upon the only house we ever found which met our search criteria. When we did our walk-through, it was an obvious match. We didn't get our hopes up, however, as we needed to find a buyer for our house before we could even make an offer, and we hadn't had much action on that end at all. Our realtor, usually the eternal optimist, served up a dose of reality as well by predicting that the house we loved would not stay on the market for more than a few days. Luckily, she was wrong.

In late July, just as we were losing interest in this whole undertaking, a gentleman with MS and his wife found our house, and fell in love with it. They were looking for a suburban home that was handicapped accessible. Remarkably, nobody had yet scooped up our target home- thank you Great Recession! So, over a period of a few days we simultaneously negotiated sales and purchase contracts on both homes. It all came together, and on August 26 we closed on our old house at noon and on our new house at 1:30. We were officially homeless for 90 minutes.

It was particularly satisfying to sell our house to someone with a disability. We had put considerable effort into modifying the home to make it accessible for me, and it was comforting to know that those modifications would continue to serve the next family who lived there.

Not onlywas it heartwarming to welcome people whose lives would be improved into our former home, but it was also satisfying to, for once, financially benefit from being disabled. I believe that we sold that house only because it was handicapped accessible. If this had been a non-accessible house, it might still be sitting on the market, like most other houses that are for sale today.

Our new house is not truly handicapped accessible, yet. However, it has the basic layout that will allow for adaptations. Most of the doorways are 36 inches wide. There are no elevation changes inside the house. The master bedroom and bathroom are spacious. The living room, dining room, and kitchen are one open area. The hallway is wide. Nevertheless, I was still concerned that we had overlooked something. I feared that once I got into the house and spent a couple of days I would say, "Oh crap!"

But that hasn’t been the case at all. In fact, I estimate that 90% of the features of the house were more or less what I had expected. Of the 10% of the features which were a surprise, probably 8% of them were of the pleasant variety, and only 2% were of the unpleasant variety. With a grab bar here, a lowered countertop there, and a new roll-in shower, this house will be well-suited for a wheelchair user.

Here we sit in house number six. I don't know why we would ever move into another one, but we always say that. I’m not in the habit of contemplating the future anymore, though. I'm finding that life is best digested in bite-sized portions, one day at a time. When I find myself pondering long-term scenarios, it becomes too much to swallow.

How am I feeling today? Today, I just love my new house.

If you’re in the neighborhood, please stop in for a visit. Flowers and vegetables are nice housewarming gifts. Beer and wine are better ones.


The view of Portland on Saturday, from the bridge which is a 5 minute walk from our house.