A Firm Handshake

To say that I am a fan of the firm handshake doesn’t begin to do it justice. I don’t only enjoy or prefer a firm handshake. To me, it is essential. A wimpy handshake leaves me wholly unsatisfied with the interaction. Why bother to shake my hand if you can’t put a little effort into it? If you don’t care about delivering a firm handshake, then what else don’t you care about? Truth? Justice? The American way?

It doesn’t have to be overpowering – in fact that’s an entirely different problem. But it can’t be mushy or weak. And I don’t forgive a limp handshake from a woman any more than I do from a man.

Recently, my high regard for the firm handshake has become a problem, because I can no longer deliver one. I can’t uncurl my fingers far enough – I can’t make my hand sufficiently flat – to couple with your hand in the proper way. I often give you only a few of my fingers and no hand at all. If I do manage to seat my hand into yours, which I still accomplish once in a while, then you will find my grip to be underwhelming – generally mushy and soft.

I know you don’t blame me. Obviously, when someone is sitting in a wheelchair they are forgiven if they’re unable to perform certain tasks. What bothers me is that I enjoy the brief connection a handshake provides, and I miss that. It demonstrates friendliness and good manners. It clearly marks the opening or closing of an interaction. So many times, especially in my professional career, a degree of animosity and distrust developed over time with relationships that consisted of phone calls and emails only. But once we were together, once we shook hands, the distrust often dissolved and positive relations ensued.

Of course, the other reason that my recent inability to perform a proper handshake bothers me is because it marks continued disease progression. My right hand is my last decent appendage, and it is continuing to weaken.

So, if I cannot complete a handshake, what can I do instead? I am able to perform a fist bump. But they are a bit juvenile and informal, so they don’t suit every social situation. Additionally, I expect that fist bumps are merely a fad and will lose popularity like the high five, for example.

Hugs work too, but they are too intimate for every relationship or every situation. If you do come in for the hug, please approach from my left side. If you approach from the right side you may hit my joystick and send me flying. Yes, that has happened.

And of course, if you don’t mind a mushy, three finger handshake, then I’m still good for that too. The bottom line is that if we’re in a group and there are greetings going around, don’t avoid me because you’re not sure exactly how to proceed. Come on over and we’ll figure out something together.