Everyone has a different threshold for this type of thing. Some folks keep their cool most of the time while others express their annoyance all too easily. I fall somewhere in the middle (I think).
I was never a saint. I remember once when I was a young father, as I piddled around in my basement workshop I became modestly frustrated with myself. Zach, my two-year-old, was watching me, so I bit my tongue. He picked up on my suppressed frustration, however, and offered, “Jesus Christ, Daddy, huh? Jesus Christ.” Apparently I hadn’t bitten my tongue enough in the past.
Having MS adds a whole new layer of frustration, for both Kim and me. Sometimes I can’t complete the simplest tasks, or I can no longer complete tasks I was able to in the recent past. If I expressed my frustration an average of five times a day before MS, I bet it’s now ten times a day, and sometimes quite colorfully. Similarly, with all the caregiving duties that Kim has taken on, I’ve noticed her tendency to express frustration has grown over the years.
I need your help on this one. My questions are:
Do people with MS and their caregivers have license to express their frustration more than healthy people do?
Is it better to keep our frustrations unexpressed, so as to make being around us more pleasant, or is this suppression of emotion unhealthy?
Posts
Mitch, I think it's best to suppress our emotions when around kids. It's much better to have an agreed upon "venting session" with our spouse to get it all out . . . then just chill. :-)
ReplyDeletedefinitely need to show restraint around the little ones
DeleteI just had to answer this one!
ReplyDeleteCouple of things. I do agree mostly with Webster. But, kids need to understand the situation rather than have to guess why you are mad or sad.
MS needs to be explained. They will understand if you keep it simple and as needed. Bad to suppress what is really happening. It scares them and leaves
them unprepared. I observed it.
As for spouses, definitely need a "bitching time". Set a limit on how long and maybe do it at different times. But, venting is important for mental health and pretending about what is happening is not helpful. Each can only understand and empathize if communication is clear and meaningful. Otherwise, understanding goes out the window and anger and bitterness takes place. Works for my 54 year old marriage as well. Only caveat is when one is is incapable of speaking the truth or really just doesn't care anymore. That's trouble.
54 years? It seems you have accumulated some wisdom over that time :-)
DeleteHave license? No. No. Oh - maybe, yes.
ReplyDeleteJE
oh yes, definitely!
DeleteRegarding expression or not of one's frustrations at having MS, my own way of dealing with it is as follow.
ReplyDeleteMy firsrt reaction is to curse, or as I am a too well educated old lady, to do it silently or at least let the anger comes out.
But I don't want this reaction to color the atmosphere for the rest of my day, because by doing so I would punish myself. and spoil my whole life. So if I drop something, I tell myself it is good exercise for me to bend and extend my arm. When it is the 9th time in the day that I need to go to the bathroom with all that it implies (transferring from the armchair to the scooter, to the toilet, managing to raise each time, getting my pants down and up) , I get first discouraged and then tell myself that otherwise I would never move out of my electric armchair and would become completely ankylosed.
But nevertheless, I get exhausted wiith all those exercises and I allow myself to express my feelings, specially when it is done in vain, when the objet I try to grasp rolls under the table or when I manage to sit on the bowl 1 second too late. No I can't accept with a smile what MS is doing to me.
My other problem is that I find les and less occasions to be happy with myself for having succeeded to do something difficult for me. For example I was very proud to have learnt to write with my left hand at 69 while I am right-handed. But now I am having more and more difficulties to finish my Sudoku or Crosswords, they become illisible.Also I used to have fun to roam around in the city, sitted in my powered chair, but more and more I avoid it beause I come back exhausted, so I do so only on ocassions where I have to, to do some shopping or get books at the public library and even then I try more and more to do it electronically.
Yes we have the right to be angry at MS but it is most important that
WE DO NOT BEOME ANGRY PERSONS,
that we still appreciate the nice things that happen or nice persons we encounter,. even if it gets more and more difficult. to deal wiith dumb institutions.
Helene, you make some great points. I especially love "Yes we have the right to be angry at MS but it is most important that
DeleteWE DO NOT BECOME ANGRY PERSONS,". That is so important!
I was just thinking about this the other day. My problem is that once I open the floodgates and allow myself to swear, I don't seem to be able to shut them down under appropriate circumstances, such as when the kids and grandkids are around. I don't mind them knowing I'm frustrated as long as it doesn't take over my day, but even if I'm all alone, I am not impressed with myself when I am uttering one expletive after another. That is just plain unimaginative and boring, as I well know from attending numerous Fringe productions where the ever-popular f* is featured every 20th word!
ReplyDeleteMy goal is to laugh every day, do something I enjoy, and know that it was a day worth living. If I can also do some kindness for someone else, all the better. Some days, ya just gotta let loose but most days that isn't helpful if it goes on too long, for me at least.
Good topic, Mitch!
agreed. A little is probably healthy. A lot of anger probably does more harm than good to ourselves and the people around us.
DeleteGreat questions Mitch! My opinion to question number one & two is... Absolutely, I believe that people with MS and their caregivers have so much more on their plate during a normal day versus your average healthy person. I don't feel like we should have to hold our frustrations about having a bad day inside. Sometimes it only consists of a bad word or two, sometimes I will grit my teeth and want to scream, sometimes I shed a tear or two and on a good day I just let myself know that it's really not that big of a deal compared to what I've learned to overcome. Now, I would never express my frustration out in public, I do all of this in the privacy of my own home LOL I feel like it is healthier for myself and my caregiver if I express how I am feeling rather than hold it inside because I think one day I could possibly just lose it. I also want to know how my caregiver is feeling because I can only imagine how hard that job is. Also, I always make sure that if I am having a particularly frustrating day, I let my caregiver know, "nothing that you have done is bothering me but I am just having a really hard day". In general I am a very happy, easy-going person but sometimes in this MS life, things just get very hard and frustrating but I know it can always be so much worse... I try to just vent, take a deep breath and move on because life is good (after all, it's better than the alternative, right?!) Happy Wednesday friends... :)
ReplyDeleteit is better than the alternative. This morning my physical therapist asked me, like he does every time he greets me, "how do you feel today?" I gave him a smartass answer. "Another day above ground, so I have nothing to complain about."
DeleteFor me, keeping things bottled up most of the time works best. Every once in a while, I let it out with my wife, usually after I've noticed that I've been suppressing things too long and have been getting too ornery. That's for me. Everyone (and their caretakers) is different.
ReplyDeletetrue. There is no right answer to this general set of questions. Each person has a different comfort zone that works for them.
DeleteTalk about frustration -- I composed a rather long comment yesterday and as I went to post it, I accidentally erased it! Arrrggghhh! I figured I would just leave it alone yesterday as it wasn't one of my better days - in more ways than one - so let me try again. I don't think we have carte blanche to just let fly with a series of expletives 24/7 - though there are days where I'm capable of doing that. Also, it's not realistic to try and be the rosy-optimist 24/7 just because I'm afraid I'll scare away everyone around me. The answer for me lies somewhere in the middle. I really try to identify what exactly is the source of my frustration at a given time, rather than a general "MS sucks" mentality, and then try to articulate that frustration and then move on. If a venting session goes on too long, I don't end up feeling unburdened, I just feel worse about everything. I encourage my hubby to express his frustrations and to go out with his friends so he can get a break from it all - in some ways, I think my MS is more frustrating for him than it is for me. For me too, if it's obvious that I'm frustrated on some level and am abrupt with someone or using "colorful" language, I always have the need to apologize to that person, even if I know they're aware from where the frustration stems.
ReplyDeleteI will sometimes tell my husband or my friends/family up front if I'm having a crappy day, and I'll tell them that I don't expect them to say or do anything to try and help, that I just wanted to get that off my chest, know that I've been heard, and move on.
Talk about a timely post -- this issue has been weighing on my mind quite heavily the past month or 2.
timing is everything :-) computer problems like having your comment deleted are especially frustrating for me. I've never tried the strategy of warning my companions that I'm having a bad day and that nothing they say can help. I may give that a try
DeleteThis is really a wonderful post.
ReplyDeletegrt
ReplyDelete